In my room there are two beds, two bureaus, two desks, and two night tables. This is a room meant to be shared, you can obviously tell. But I have it to myself, a bathroom and a fridge too. This is the first time that I have ever had my own room.

But now theres someone I want to share a room with. Someone I want to share a life with. I'm not sure if that life will be forever or not, I don't plan to map out the course of my life when I'm just starting on this adventure, but this life that I'm living now feels better with him in it.

Well, his words are in it at least. Because he cannot be here... he is 600 miles west stuck dead center in the corn husk state of Indiana attending college. The brilliant boy I love is gone but he's here too... its all quite confusing and a lot of time it hurts.

I'm considering doing something with him that I have never done. Something I semi-vowed not to do until marriage. But now I just... I want to. Very badly and honestly the only thing scaring me at this point is the fact that I could get end up making this already difficult pair a much more difficult group... if you know what I mean.

I don't feel like I'm abandoning any morals or principals because this is a decision that I have thought of and want to do. I'm not sure what will happen should this want actually come to be a possibility (we see each other next week), but right now I want this.

You know how scary that is? To trust someone that way?

Here is a message he sent me last night when I was upset:

You are not crazy... and you are definitely not driving me nuts. Far, far, far from the truth.

I wish you could get the words to come out right, that you could pinpoint what you're feeling and explain it to me. But I'm glad that you sent me this, at least it makes me feel a little bit better.

But I don't want you to have to hide these things from me. They don't annoy me whatsoever. I need to know that you feel all right for me to feel the same way. I need you. You are part of me; you are part of how I feel, what I do, everything about me.

I'm sorry... it kills me that I can't be there for you. Every day, every night I wonder why.

I always remember, eventually, that you love me. And that I love you too... please just know that. I love you, Kathleen. I don't know what's going to happen to me. I don't know what other things are going to happen in my life. In every situation, though, I know that I will love you. Every day I feel it more and more. Every day I realize how lucky I am to have you, because you make me more like Adam Lukach than anyone else ever has. You won't ever lose me. I love you now and I always will.

Forever yours,
Adam

P.S. I mean everything I said. I really do. I can't lose you again...Talk to you today, I guess it is now. Only 5 more. =)



Can you ask for more?